Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Thank you.
I got this. Thank you.
Gosh, I'm so sorry, Marianne! Let me get those for you. I'm sorry.
There you go. All right.
Hi there. I'll take that.
Got it.
Let's meet on... Tuesday.
This came for you.
I will have to call you back.
Look, they're at it again! Jesus!
What?
How would you...
like to work for a colleague of mine in London?
Okay.
Bye.
Fuck!
Christ!
Honey, the realtor is waiting inside.
She's only got ten more minutes, so please hurry up.
-Hey. -[alarmed] What are you doing here?
Lisa asked me to come.
She wanted me to look at this apartment you're in love with.
Lisa and I are friends, too, remember?
I know you're friends.
-Midtown's a weird neighborhood. -Just wait till you see it, okay?
-Did you get your summons? -Yeah.
Lost the best assistant I've ever had.
Speaking of which... it's hard to withdraw
that kind of summons money without raising red flags.
Are you asking me to pay your public fornication bill?
I'll pay you back, okay, in weekly installments.
Fine. Whatever. Yeah, you can work it off.
Yeah, I can.
-What did you just do? -That's my "bouche larouche" right there.
Just dancing, you know? I don't care. You know you want to.
♪ Straight to the wall with me ♪
Midday dance party!
Let me get in on this! Sam, bring it down.
♪ It's your birthday it's your birthday, it's your birthday ♪
Midtown is a weird place to live. What is this, 36th?
[Max groans]
[Max] I have something interesting for you.
[Ethan squeals]
[Ethan] Yeah.
I represent a huge YA writer.
[squeals]
Named Shawna Hess.
[Max groans]
I told her how talented you were, blah, blah, blah.
She read your book.
She loved it and she agreed to meet with you.
[groans]
-Oh, my God, that's amazing! -Yeah. She's launching...
[groans]
...a new YA imprint.
[squeals]
She's looking for new... YA voices to launch, you know?
-That sounds awesome, dude! -Can't get better exposure than that.
Thanks for hooking that up.
[Ethan squeals]
[Max] I think it's a slam dunk.
[groans louder]
Hey! Could you guys keep it down?
You don't have to grunt every time you hit the ball.
No, we do. It's really good for my control.
-I don't even hear myself. -Really?
It sounds like you're taking a shit. In ten minutes, you've taken 3,000 shits.
I don't sound like that when I poop.
-Quit shitting on my court. -[Max] Look at the control I got.
[groaning with each bounce]
[high-pitched squeal with each bounce]
Seriously, you two!
A few years ago, Shawna was living in St Louis with a husband and four kids.
But she hit it big and left it all. And this is her life now.
So I just want to warn you, she's a little eccentric, okay?
Yeah, no, I'm good. I've met a lot of rich, successful, weird authors.
Not like this. I just don't want you to get uncomfortable and do your voices.
-Max. -Yeah?
I have had dinner with Jonathan Franzen.
-And he turned down Oprah. -Right.
This woman had Oprah on her yacht, okay, and she was jealous of it.
-Oprah was jealous of her? -Ethan Turner.
-[Shawna] E.T. -Hi.
Get in a basket and go back to space, you freak!
It's good to meet you. Wow!
What you've done is...
very good.
-Thank you so much. I am such a huge fan. -Thank you so much.
-Shawna, how are you? -Oh, my sweet.
Wait. Sweet thing.
Um, person, can we have these?
Would you mind signing some of your books for me? Thank you so much.
It's just a thing I do with everyone I meet.
And I'm happy to do the same.
Oh, right, of course!
You know what, I would really love it
if you would sign...
this receipt.
New.
I actually told him to leave all his copies of your books at my office.
-He read them all and loves them so much. -Yeah.
And you should see them.
They're all dog-eared and the spines are cracked
because he read them so many times.
-He should have brought them. -And I told you, right?
-Max, you blew it! -I did.
-What kind of agent are you? -A bad one.
No, I was just kidding.
So, I hear you want to try your hand at young adult fiction.
[Ethan] Absolutely.
This is the most interesting thing happening in publishing today
for the reader and writer.
You know what? You're right.
You are aware that the audience is predominantly female?
-Sweetheart, you want some cucumber water? -Oh, no, baby, I'm good. Thank you.
-This is my husband, Sean. -Hey.
Hi. Sean and Shawna?
-Shawna and Sean. -[Ethan] Right.
My real name is Mark.
[Shawna] We're having a meeting, baby. Bye.
Yeah, back into the... back into your place.
There's two things that matter, nipples and butts. He's got all three.
So the thing that makes my work resonate with young women
is a thing I'd like to call, "bathtub moments."
Yes. I don't... What is that?
A moment of romantic longing that makes a 14-year-old girl
want to shut herself in the bathroom, light some candles
and explore in the tub.
-A bathtub moment. -[in goofy voice] I've got it!
-You're doing the voice... -I got it.
-Can you hear it? Oh, my God... -That's...
not a type of writing that I'm...
[clears throat]
...accustomed to, but I am intrigued.
-Thank you. Good adjustment. -Here is the rub.
Him. No, you know, here's the thing.
A 14-year-old girl, not really ready for the real thing.
She wants a creature to fantasize to.
So for this imprint,
what I'm looking for is a dream team of monsters.
Creatures of the night.
All the bad boys from all the bad dreams you've ever had, only the bathtub version.
Right, okay, I got it.
So you're looking for the monster inside of us.
Yes. And our bodies are hosts and they're giving us sensual pleasure from within.
Well, no, I meant like metaphorically speaking.
The monsters are actually our personal demons.
Demons... Sexy demons.
Sexy demons with defined muscle tone and then oblique shelf.
No. Just the demons of our childhood who are crippled emotionally...
-It's boring! -Just give her a fucking monster.
Baby, I agree, but do the thing... Do the thing with your...
That's a good little bunny. Okay. Thank you so much.
He's a lot!
I... don't know that this genre is for you.
Oh, no. The genre is for him.
He is a master of the adolescent voice.
We just have to let all these ideas gestate.
He'll get there. He's very talented.
The thing is, Maxine, I don't have a second.
Because I'm going to Paris in the morning and then on safari for a month
because Miss Prisspants over here wants to see a cheetah.
Cheetahs are so fast!
I could put something together by the morning.
Great idea. Why don't we get together for breakfast?
-A breakfast meeting tomorrow. -7:30 a.m., Fogo de Chão.
You mean Fogo de Chão, the Brazilian steakhouse?
The chain of Brazilian churrascarias, yes.
-They'll be open? -They open when I say they open.
-Oh, wait, Fogo de Chão Chão? -Yeah.
Oh, then it's time for a celebration!
[whoops]
-Yeah! -This is normal.
[elevator pings]
Felix!
-Tonight is the night. -Ah, Ming Garden!
-Yes, and five episodes of Damages. -Yes!
Tonight we binge!
Very exciting. I'm so glad we're finally doing this.
There have been conversations about Damages I couldn't participate in.
Recently?
[cell phone rings]
Sorry, babe, I meant to turn off the ringer here.
It's Ethan on the phone. I'm going to take it.
-I just... Real quick. -Yeah, that's fine.
Hey, dude.
Wow, relax!
Don't freak out. Don't... It's going to be fine.
Okay? That's a great... Let me ask him.
Babe, Ethan's stressed out about this deadline we have for tomorrow.
Is it okay if he comes by and just runs some ideas by me real quick?
Oh, um...
Yeah.
-You sure? -I'm sure.
I mean, I think we have enough food.
Thank you. He said yes.
-We'll still watch Damages, right? -Come over now.
Hey! How are you? Oh, my gosh.
-Oh, my God, that's the best idea! -Wow, that's big.
You know what? I'm sorry. Can you lift it up? I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I'll stay here.
-Good call on the scuffing on the floor. -Okay, back.
-You know, they cost a pretty penny. -Back it up.
-Where do you want it? -We'll work in here.
Okay. Is this...
Gosh, I pushed this thing 20 blocks.
Didn't make any friends. I'm just out there pushing it and...
[Ethan gasps]
I'm sorry, whatever that food is smells amazing.
-Help yourself! We got plenty! -Thank you so much.
Thank you so much, babe.
[Ethan and Max laugh hysterically]
What's so funny?
This is actually one of my favorite places in New York.
The drinks are incredible
and I'm always the youngest girl in the room.
-Everyone here's like 8,000 years old. -Right?
That bassist looks like he's about to keel over.
You know what? I'm getting us drinks. We all could use some, especially you.
What? I'm fine.
I think you might have some issues with your new job.
I love my job. It's great.
[soft jazz plays]
[Lisa sighs]
-I hate it. I hate it so much. -It's terrible.
Marianne!
It's fine. The point is you hate it, so you shouldn't be there. Life's too short.
I have only been there for a week. I'm not a quitter.
I leave jobs after one week all the time.
That's called temping. That's not the same thing as quitting.
I quit temp jobs all the time. And I get fired all the time.
Sometimes quitting is a good thing.
Like when you're brilliant and doing something you hate.
I know, but we need the money. You know, for stuff and...
-What? What do you need money for? -It's fine.
I won't bring this night down.
Let's have drinks and listen to some jazz and have a good time.
Agreed. What are you drinking? First round's on me.
What? No. Nobody's paying for anything.
One of us still knows how to be single.
-She flipped the braid. -She hit me in the face with the braid.
Felix, thank you so much for letting me come over and interrupt your evening.
-Of course. -My first 3 books, I wrote by myself.
12 hours every day.
It was amazing.
With this one I feel I have to be with other people.
I have to have that camaraderie.
I'm so sorry. It just happened.
There have been noodles falling.
Would you be more comfortable at a table?
-[Ethan] I don't know. Dracula. -Great. Write it down.
And then sexy things are...
-Boobs? -Boobs. Yeah! Dracula boobs.
Boobs. Dracula boobs. Right, gotcha.
We're going to keep listing stuff and fill the board.
I have to tell you, this is just like the old days.
-Right? -This is like college.
Felix, did I ever tell you that we used to write together until this guy got famous?
-This guy! -You did!
[Max] Did I tell you about the musical we wrote?
-Yes! -Monica Lewinsky, The Musical.
-[Ethan] My God. -Yes.
Every student periodical went nuts for us. Raves.
Do you think it still holds up? It's topical again.
-Probably not. -Really? Two, three.
-♪ There's a spot on her dress -I made a huge mess ♪
♪ But I can't confess ♪
♪ Or I'll be impeached ♪
[Max] Yo, yo!
- [rapping] Yeah, you lied about sex -We never had sex
-No, but you had oral sex -That still isn't sex!
-What? You came on her dress, dog! -We had no Kleenex!
But it still isn't sex! Sorry, Kenneth Starr
-Close, but no cigar! -Yeah!
[snap fingers]
♪ Impeached ♪
♪ Impeached, the dress ♪
♪ Impeached, cigar ♪
- ♪ Impeached -Phone call ♪
-You guys really liked college. -We did.
-Yes, we did. -That is not bad for teenagers.
-And that rap stuff, pre-Hamilton. -Pre-Hamilton.
I bet someone told Lin-Manuel Miranda about that.
He must have heard it and borrowed it.
-Maxie. Much younger than us. -Much younger?
-[Max] Really? -He does not know.
Alright, well, I've got to go to bed. I've got surgery in the morning.
-Good to see you. Good luck. -Good to see you. Good luck, sir.
Alright.
[Ethan] Good night, Felix. Have a good one.
-[Felix] Thank you. Good luck. -Any time.
-Bye. Good night. -What about this?
-What are you doing with that? -I'm about to score on you.
What?
[cheering]
-That's what we call defense! -Nice defense.
-7:00 a.m. -Pardon me?
I have surgery at 7:00 a.m.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
-It's alright, I'm not sleeping yet. -That's sweet of you.
But... I'm on my way.
Okay. We will keep it down.
-Have fun. -Thanks. We will keep it down.
Thank you. Why did I bow?
It's a sign of respect.
I'm sure he appreciated it.
[Marianne] Yes. Another round of your most expensive liquor.
-And who wants caviar? -[Sam] I do.
Yes!
-So, are you ladies guests of the hotel? -We're here on business.
What kind of business?
-[in Russian accent] I am model. -Is that right?
Tell us a little bit about that.
Tell us everything about your life and your country.
Yes, I will do. I...
I am model. And I am also singer.
We're... singer models.
Singer models. Yes.
Well, if your voices are as beautiful as your figures,
then we're in a lot of trouble!
[Marianne laughs]
Hey.
Can I have $100?
Uh...
Sure!
100?
Is two...
two 50s alright?
Thank you! These are wonderful men.
The Americans! America!
-Idea ball. -Yes!
-Let's just let it flow. -Evil angel.
Okay. Maybe a little sexier.
Okay, like, worm?
I've not seen stuff with worms. What kind of worm?
A giant worm that sucks your guts out.
-What's sexy about that? -Because it penetrates your body.
That's not sexy. That's gross. That's like a tapeworm. You can't fuck a tapeworm.
Okay, Chippendale stripper.
-Okay. What's scary about that? -His bank account, his life choices.
Have you seen Magic Mike?
-We have to watch the Magic Mike trailer. -Ethan, stay focused.
We're going all over the place.
It's just that she wants bathtub moments and scary monsters,
the two are fighting each other.
You just take a monster, any monster, make a girl want to fuck it.
But monsters by definition are not sexy.
Their faces are fucked up, they don't die and want to kill you.
How do you jack off to that? I don't think I can do this.
-I don't think I'm the guy. -You are the guy.
We just need some market research.
We need to find a teenage girl and talk to her. Me and you, tonight.
But it can't be weird. How do we do that?
Nick. Let's call Nick. He dates teenagers.
No, I wouldn't fuck Frankenstein.
What if he's a hodgepodge of sexy parts?
-A bit of Hemsworth, Channing Tatum... -Yeah.
-Channing Tatum I would fuck. -Okay. Alright. I think that's helpful.
-Stephen Colbert I would fuck. -What?
He's, like, the most normal version of every part of a person.
Would you do it ironically?
What part of "I would fuck Stephen Colbert" aren't you getting?
I think you're an outlier in your demographic.
-Yeah. This is unhelpful. -That'll help.
-What's this? -[Nick] Drugs, bro. Adderall.
That stuff got me through finals, so...
High school, college...
Orange is Adderall. Blue is Viagra. Don't take the white.
-Why do you have drugs? -Why do you not have... not drugs?
It's a Tuesday night, guys. We're not doing drugs.
Not at my age. Not at our age.
-How many did you just take? -Three.
-Three drugs? -That was the third.
Half the kids in America are doing this. Her five-year-old sister does it.
Five. That's a half-sister or...
You asked for my advice. This is my advice.
-To do drugs? -Yes!
You won't be weird, just focused.
-There you go! -Exactly.
-I could use that. -Just do the drugs!
Do the drugs!
Warlock! Put it down.
Club kids, they turn into fairies.
-A scarecrow filled with mice? -Oh, no!
-Super-horny robots. -Robots.
-Dudes, I got it. -Yes, man, what?
It's sexy monsters.
No shit.
Oh, man, so what is that, just chopped up Adderall?
Oh, no, bro, that's cocaine.
Are you fucking serious? That's cocaine? I did cocaine?
Oh, my God! You're so talented, Max!
[Nick] Do more.
-Yes. -[Ethan] That's it, Maxie!
-Why does he have tap shoes? -Why don't I have tap shoes?
50!
This doesn't make any sense.
[Max] I really thought we were onto something.
I have an idea.
We have to Beautiful Mind it.
This won't work. There's no way it's possible.
-I'm putting 20 bucks on 30 seconds. -Five minutes!
An hour, actually, I think.
-I like that. -Okay.
Okay.
-[Nick] Come on. Stay. Stay. -[Max] Hold. Hold.
[Ethan] Go, go, go.
That's it, though. That's it.
But it's order within the disorder.
Connection into the dis...
I wrote vagina seven times.
[Max] 15 more seconds.
-Go! -Stick!
-No! -Yes! Wait!
I know what we've got to do, you guys.
[Ethan laughs shrilly]
Nick, you're doing it!
You guys are writing in Sharpie.
I'm sorry, what?
That's Sharpie, permanent marker.
He has no feelings but he's programmed to fuck.
-And outside he's a person, but... -I have surgery in the morning, people!
Who the fuck is that?
[all cheer]
-Two minutes! -Two minutes!
Get out!
-Get out! -Okay.
Shoes.
[singing "Lady in Red" by Chris de Burgh]
Really?
[Lisa] Jesus!
-Is anybody a doctor? -I think we should go.
[Max] Okay, so how about a mutant from a nuclear holocaust? That's cool.
[Ethan] Holocaust? Interesting.
[Max] Not the Holocaust, a nuclear holocaust.
[Ethan] I don't know if I'm cut out for this.
Creatures of the night? What?
Forget the creatures. It's about you.
All the YA genre authors, the good ones, they write about their own experiences.
-Like Stephanie Meyer, the vampire books. -Okay.
That's about her growing up as a sexually repressed woman.
And Susan Collins, right, The Hunger Games,
it's her growing up as a military brat.
-It's about her own experiences. -L. Ron Howard wanted to start a cult.
-L. Ron Hubbard. -No, it's 100% L. Ron Howard.
It's 100% L. Ron Hubbard.
It's 100% L. Ron Howard.
100%.
We have to dig deeper and mine your own personal experiences, okay?
-You have to just mine that. -What you have to do is break him down.
-You have to L. Ron Howard him. -That's not a thing.
It's what L. Ron Howard wrote in Dianetics.
You use the E-meters to audit him.
Why do you know so much about Scientology except the guy's name?
Did he invent Scientology, like, after he directed Backdraft and Apollo 13 ?
No, that was Ron Howard. I mean L. Ron Howard.
-Oh, my God... -Can we please stop?
-Ethan! -What?
What kind of creature are you?
-I don't know. A horse? -Your wife supports you, okay?
She toils every day in drudgery and you do nothing to support her!
-What creature are you? -I don't know.
I spend all day looking at boring apartments, running women's errands
and banging my head against a wall
trying to figure out a genre that I'm too old for!
I am 40 years old! The drawbridge is going up, man! It's now or never for me!
-What does that make you want to do? -It makes me want to scream!
Then give me that scream!
[howls loudly]
Oh, shit. That wasn't a scream.
That was no scream. That was a...
-That was a howl. -Yeah.
-A howl? -Are you a wolf?
-Yeah, you're a dog. -Are you a wolf?
-Let's go with wolf. -Same family.
-Can you please let me do this! -I'm part man, part wolf.
-That's what I am. -That's a werewolf! You're a werewolf!
I am suffocating from the indignities of humanity by day,
and then when the sun goes down at night, the beast within emerges!
-Beast man! -Yeah!
And I'm roaming all over and I'm just taking what's mine!
-That's sexy, dude! -I am a werewolf!
Release the beast!
[howls]
[all howl]
[Lisa] What is this?
Is this a one-piece? Is this attached?
This is a Valentino cape dress.
This is a dress that makes you happy.
-You need one. -I absolutely do not need a cape dress.
Every lady needs a cape dress.
I'm glad we had this last night together.
-Last night? -Yeah. Well, last night drinking, anyway.
I start IVF tomorrow, so if that takes, you know, everything changes.
-What? -Yeah!
Tomorrow? That... Why didn't you mention that?
[in Russian accent] It was a fun night. I did not want to talk of real life.
-So... -Jesus.
You guys pulled that together faster than anyone I've ever heard of.
Well, there's no point in moving slowly. We know what we want.
We've wanted it for a while. So...
Whoa.
Yeah.
So... at the end of the month, you could be pregnant.
When you put it like that, it sounds really soon.
-Hey, can I get a drag of that? -Yeah.
I've got to live it up while I can, right?
Wow.
That's...
big news, Froshy.
Hey, if I become a mom, will you stop calling me that?
No. Froshy for life.
Fantastic.
[sighs]
Jasmine is really making an effort to find a way to cohesively adhere herself...
That's great, thanks.
So, to adhere herself a little bit more to Randall.
-What? -But they both... Shawna?
It's a story about Jasmine and Randall.
Like a Shakespearean love coming before Neo-Classicism.
Just talk about the book.
So Randal and Jasmine are in love, but it's unrequited.
So that's the pitch. So...
Yes? Okay. Scatter.
Thank you so much. Now, obrigado, now.
-[Shawna] Thank you so much. -[Sean] No más meat.
-So the werewolf thing. Love it, perfect. -Good. Yes.
I need to know more about the bathtub moments.
-What are bathtub moments? -We have those.
We thought a lot about them.
Shawna, look.
Shawna?
We lost her. She's not...
[Ethan whispers] Shawna?
She's decided what the most important thing at the table is and it's not us.
Excuse me, Shawna? Look.
Bathtub moments are your specialty. They are who you are.
They're your truth. I have a different truth.
[moans interestedly]
I am part man...
part wolf.
Humiliated by modern society by day.
But at night, turned loose
and able to do what I want,
when I want.
Oh, I'm still here.
No, here's what it is.
You know when a man turns into a werewolf and he's covered in hair and gross?
-Instead... he's sexy. -I like it.
-I like that, too. -[Sean] Not a lot of hair.
-He's got a smooth back. -Perfect for fingernail marks.
-That's better than my thing. -Smooth back.
What is going on here?
Who are these guys and why is Fogo de Chão open?
-We'll talk about it later. -It's my Fogo de Chão.
-I'm a franchise owner. -Three.
-You have three of these? -So what do you guys think?
[whispers] Come. What do you think of this?
The Adderall makes me feel like I'm falling. I'm...
-Did I tip over? -No, you're good.
I feel like I'm... Like right there.
-You're alright. -Do you want a Xanax?
No more pills.
They don't make you afraid of ghosts.
Incredible job.
-Congratulations. -Thank you!
This is going all the way. We'll take it to the limit.
We got games, we got costumes, we're cosplaying it. I love it.
[Shawna] Gauchos! Can we get some to-go containers? We'll finish this on the jet.
No. Good Lord...
Good morning.
You're up. I'm ordering from Zabar's. How was your night?
Not fun, actually.
I don't have that much in common with my college friends any more.
Well, you can't stay friends with everyone.
It's sad, but that's what is supposed to happen.
We have an amazing family.
Yeah, no, I'm still here. What do you want for breakfast?
Um...
Just send me some of everything.
I'm having a feast for four.
Yeah.
[excited laughing]
-[Sam] Good morning! -[Dash] What's for breakfast?
Daddy just ordered us a feast!
[chanting] Feast!
Shut up, I'm trying to give them my credit card!
-Feast! -Come on!
-Come here! -Feast!